The Return of Spoon Man: A Short Story

If you need refreshing about Spoon Man, go here and here.

Once upon a time, there was a girl. Her name was Redgirl, and she worked at a hotel. Redgirl had figured out through experience to mind her own business, but this was through rueful incidents of the sort that a person might consume flies that enter a mouth left ajar for too long.

She always sought to put them behind her, but with one guest, this was difficult.

For, you see, Spoon Man kept coming back.

Much like the infamous "Cat in the Hat", Spoon Man always came back. May hap not the very next day, but he certainly wouldn't stay away. Could it have been her girlish charms? Redgirl didn't know, but if she had reasonable belief in that regard, she would have dragged a dull steak knife dipped in acid across each blushing cheek.

As it happened, Redgirl would check the list of reservations coming in for any sign of Spoon Man. She would type in "Man, Spoon", and would be relieved each time when nothing would pop up. Unfortunately, the reason for this was that Spoon Man didn't usually make a reservation ahead of time. He just roared in on his smokin' motorcycle (which he knew Redgirl admired and thought made him look like a stud) and walked in with the words "Do you have any rooms available for tonight?"

One fateful Friday afternoon, the hotel was almost full. Redgirl was working with her coworker, Greengirl. People were checking in right and left; they were very busy. All of the sudden out of the corner of her very perceptive eyes, Redgirl caught sight of a figure....the figure of Spoon Man!!

She grabbed the next guest almost physically to help them, leaving Greengirl at his mercy.

Redgirl had told Greengirl of the man and his wily, spooning ways, but realized now that she had neglected to tell her the real-world name. Luckily, several other guests came in, so Redgirl was able to stay very busy-looking. Greengirl seemed to take her time checking Spoon Man in, and Redgirl's dearest hope was that her line would continue to stay long until Spoon Man was safely checked in....hopefully to the Annex Wing.

Redgirl kept getting the chills. The reason? Spoon Man kept looking at her. Except when he needed to look at Greengirl for basic politeness's sake or to sign paperwork, he kept looking at our poor heroine. Redgirl was careful not to make eye contact, but he kept looking at her. Finally, she heard Greengirl give him a room...in the main building. She wasn't happy, but maybe he would go away now.

Redgirl did chortle silently to herself that the suite he normally liked to get when he came was unavailable. Ha! she thought, take THAT man who just walks in! Try making a reservation next time!

It was almost as if Spoon Man could hear Redgirl's thoughts. He asked Greengirl if she could make him a reservation for a specific room. Greengirl was a little new, so Redgirl kept an ear out. When Spoon Man mentioned the room number, Greengirl seemed unsure, but Redgirl knew what he was talking about. He wanted to reserve "his" suite for a certain night.

Halloween night.

She clarified to Greengirl what room he wanted, carefully avoiding eye contact with Spoon Man. She could not help but call to mind last year's Halloween, when Spoon Man had appeared with feathers, face paint, and an inadmissible apology.

Unfortunately, if the miner won't go to the mine, the mine is gonna come and get the miner. Or, to clarify, if Redgirl wouldn't notice Spoon Man, Spoon Man was going to make her.

"Hi Redgirl, how are you?" Spoon Man said, with enough volume to avoid being ignored.

Redgirl didn't falter, but it was a close thing. She was with another guest, but knew that in such a social situation, a direct look was called for, as well as the niceties of inane greetings. "Doing pretty good...you?" she replied, carefully keeping her eyes from batting alluringly in his direction. She flashed a practiced smile.

He was still staring at her, his eyes seeming to bore into her very soul. "Good."

Redgirl gave him a small smile and nodded. This was in effort to show that yes, she was glad that he was doing well. Even though secretly, she was hoping he would get hit by a lumber lorry as soon as he left and die a slow, painful, squished-to death. Was that too strong? She pondered, "No," she thought to herself, "That's about right. And then dump some acid on him too. That should do it."

As he walked away (could that be? swaying his hips seductively? No. Please no.), Redgirl hissed over to Greengirl, "What room did you give him?"

Greengirl gave the number of a nice quiet room on the third floor that Redgirl was holding back for any guests that specifically asked for something quiet. Curses!!! But the damage was done, Redgirl knew she would just have to live with it.

Redgirl turned to Greengirl. "Greengirl....that was Spoon Man."

Greengirl looked horrified. "He was creepy. And old!"

"I know." Redgirl gave a little shiver. "Did you see how he kept staring at me? Ugg."

She nodded and curled her lip in disgust. "Yeah...that was just wrong."

Redgirl sighed. "And because you put him in the main building, we'll get to see him anytime he goes anywhere."

Most guests, Redgirl didn't mind seeing go back and forth across her lobby. The Scottish people with lovely accents...check. The handsome men's soccer team in their cute manly jerseys...check. That nice young lawyer from the south without a wedding ring...check check. Spoon Man?

Uh...not so much.

Redgirl saw him twice more that evening, once by himself, and once with a from-a-box-redhead draped over his arm. Which he then introduced to Redgirl with a twinkle in his eye. It wasn't great, but at least it wasn't the elderly man and his young "personal assistant". Plus, the months hadn't been kind to Spoon Man. His hair had thinned, and he had gained quite a bit of weight.

Redgirl knew she should feel sorry for a man trying so hard to hang on to his youth, slip through his fingers though it may.

But she didn't.

She couldn't.

Once a Spoon Man, always a Spoon Man.

No going back. No second chances.

Redgirl grimly circled the 31st on her calendar. She would be ready.

Hehehehe. Heh. Well, if he does anything tomorrow, I'll let y'all know....

I was chatting with one of the owner's sons and told him the story. He laughed and pointed to me and said it was because I was wearing such revealing clothing and it was driving Spoon Man to distraction. I wear black dress pants, a men's white collared long sleeve shirt, a tie, and a black vest. Oh. And black shoes. I responded that perhaps the neckline was too low....and I should talk to my boss about turtlenecks. Gack!