Friday, September 24, 2010

Tour Bus to the Ghetto (p 2)

Last week, we boarded the tour bus. Let's continue our trip to the ghetto!
If you'll look out the window to the left, you'll see the circus is in town.
The circus? Where? Waaait a minute....all I see is "The Pancake Circus"
Or rather, the Pancake Circus. Ha ha ha...that's a restaurant
Ha. Right. Not really that funny.
Other landmarks include the Rio Vista Hotel that always has vacancies.
All I see is a sign and an empty lot.
These innovators have obviously taken a new approach to the travel industry, as it appears to be a "bring your own cot, water, and portable bathroom" sort of place. No one appears to be taking advantage of the hotel right now, but we're not exactly in season.
That place will never be in season. Someone had a little too much to smoke this morning....
On the other side of the street, I'll draw your attention to the large panel on the plaza sign that reads "After 75 Years, WE QUIT"
Who quit? And why would they put up a passive aggressive sign about it?
There are many theories on this sign. One is that the building was razed, but none of the remaining plaza stores cared to remove the old signage. Another popular idea is that there is a store by that name. If this is the case, it's the holy grail of Orange Blossom Plaza, because no one's been able to find it.
It's like a ghost story: "The Business that Wasn't There" 
And if it DID disappear, think of all the people that could have been inside when it did, and are now lost to us forever...
Tripe. Gag me with a SPOON.
As we approach this next bus stop, inspect the incoming passengers.
There's only two. A really old Asian lady and a young man that probably has a somewhat dubious reputation. Which one?
Exhibit A: The Asian Lady. Notice how she's talking to the bus driver in her native tongue? He -obviously- doesn't speak her language, but she somehow thinks she'll get directions for a place that might not even exist. Rule #2 for buses: Drivers know everything. About other routes, you ask? And how about intercity bus routes that aren't even run by the same company? Ditto I say! That bus driver has the knowledge and skillz to get you from here to the Berkley Pit on nothing more than local city buses, a tandem rental bike, and a one-eyed sway-backed mule named Zonks.
If he really knew everything, he would have a way to turn you into a GOOD tour guide.
Now, perk your ears towards exhibit B.
Perking...oh my stars!
Notice his turn of phrase while talking to a fellow hoodlum, " I saw the cops, so I got on."
I want to change seats now. Who knows what he did.
Obviously, Hoodlum 2 knows why he would want to get on if he saw the cops. Hoodlum 1 wants to alert Hoodlum 2 that cops are around, so as to prevent him from doing anything untoward, prove he's not a pansy for riding the bus for one measly block, all with leaving opportunity for speculation as to the cause of his concern. Way to go Hoodlum 1! Point for Team Ghetto!
I'll bet he killed someone and buried their body in that empty lot. I know I would run from the cops if I had strangled my buddy over a contested backwoods meth lab. I'll bet that's what went down.
Hold on to something.
You're now experiencing a "sudden stop". This is achieved when A) the bus driver forgot about the stop and sees someone standing there at the last minute or B) when someone pulls the yanky "stop" string at the last minute. Often, perpetrators of the latter are students; both from inattention to surroundings or malicious fun.
My coffee spilled. You suck.
Follow the progress of the students. Notice how they dash across the middle of the road like a diseased rabbit whose brain is filling up with fluid and a temperature through the roof causing it to start having delusions about what is where and when it is safe to cross.
I can't believe you just went there.
Unfortunately, these students don't realize they're acting like a group of lemmings jumping off a cliff and hoping they'll know how to swim when they hit the bottom when they've never seen water before. If we're lucky, we may see one get hit.
Enough with the animal metaphors. I feel like I'm watching the Discovery Channel....ooooh! Almost got one!
One day, a member of this pack will be slower than the rest, and get dragged down by a Such is life in the ghetto.
Now. Notice how a female in the back of the bus yelled, "Come on driver, it's HOT in here!" ?
And now that man said "yeah, and I can see the fleas!"
YUCK. I'm done now.
This is A) offering encouragement to the driver to go faster--this never works---and B) an example of a crazy smelly person who thinks they're being intelligent.
Really too much information there.
That's what she said.
Wait a second......
That's actually what she said. The woman behind him said that.
Hold up...can you hear me??!!
That concludes our tour! Upon exiting the bus, the attendant will give you souvenir; a limited edition poster that was found on several street corners in block handwriting last week. We hope you enjoyed your "Trip to the Ghetto"!
And yes. All of this did happen at one time or another...

Friday, September 17, 2010

Tour Bus to the Ghetto (part 1)

Hello! Welcome to CapTours! Get it? Get it?! CapTOURS? Hahahah....Anyway....
I get it.
*Ahem* With CapTours, the tour's the thing--we show you the capital like you've never seen it before!
...That's why I'm here. I'd like to take the "Rose Garden Tour"....with no bees please. sorry. The Govenator used the center quadrant of roses for target practice, so it's closed for replanting. We do have an opening in another tour though.
Which one?
It's called "Down and Dirty: Trip to the Ghetto".
I don't know about that....
It's one of our most popular tours! I'll even throw in the "Premier" package :D
(suspicious) So what's in this "premier package"
Oh, I wouldn't want to spoil it--and look! There's your tour bus now! Hop on!
Who are all those other people and why are they getting on? I thought this was personalized...
You'll see....
*takes out headphones and plugs them into wall jack for tour info*
*Static* Welcome to your personalized trip to the ghetto! The people you see around you are part of your premier experience--to provide you with full sensory adventure as you progress. As we approach our first stop, you're probably thinking "this looks like a normal city. where's the ghetto I paid for?"
I'm not sure I what what I paid for.
Fear not! We start downtown, and then approach our destination through varying degrees of the landscape. Entering now is a local creature; a young man of African decent with his pants nearly around his ankles. This is done by manufacturers in return for a payoff from women who have a hard time catching men unless movement can be impeded. A little known fact: Police Departments also subsidize the "low and baggy" clothing trend as it makes criminals easier to catch.
The sculpting job on that hair makes his head look like a badly trimmed topiary.
He's going to sit in front of you so you can examine the hair more closely.
uuh...thank you?
If he trimmed it himself, he would appear to be right-handed, as the left side of his 'do looks more misshapen. Now, turn your attention to the woman getting on now.
Why? Hey! she passed a perfectly good empty seat and now she's trying to sit down on my briefcase! Geeze lady, I'm moving it already...
She just violated the "empty buss seat rule". Notice how she passes whole empty seat units. There are several rules like this. If you'll crack on earphone, you'll now get to hear another one in the process of being broken.
There are now 2 girls sitting behind stars, they're trying to sing! Egad, my ears!
Head phones are acceptable, but some folk take a private experience and turn it into a public one. While "I Love the Way You Lie" is one such example, sometimes songs can be explicit. When this happens, make sure you've packed your duct tape to perform damage control. The couple boarding the bus now do it the right way, albeit peculiarly.
I've never seen a bosom that covered someone's entire torso before. Jus' sayin'
Notice that the female of this species seems to be in charge. She yanks on his arm as he tries to sit in a seat not of her liking.
Why is he carrying a radio--especially the size of a philandering businessman's briefcase?
You may notice he is carrying a radio. Watch as he sits with his wife and--in the middle of her diatribe--plugs his headphones into it and proceeds to ignore her with his monolithic Walkman. She either does not appear to notice, or this is a regular occurrence, because she blathers on without a hitch.
To be continued in hopefully a few hours....