Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Supermarket of Loooooove

Chatting with school chums the other day (chums!! that word is so Hardy Boys) about a theory my professor went over in Psychology, and they wanted me to post it.
And you, gentle reader must know from reading other such entries one truism:
Rarely does a simple theory stay so after I get my hands on it.
So without ado, here is The Supermarket Theory
We all subconciously know the laws of attraction. We assign other people with quotients; the quotient is obtained by combining the number of attractiveness with any percieved flaws. A woman who is very attractive might have bad body odor, so her quotient, which might have been an 8, drops to a 6 (or lower depending on how bad the smell is lol). The quotient is also known as the price.
So there you are. In the market for love. Where do you go?
You go to the supermarket of love, down on 3rd and K.
Inside the supermarket, there are aisles. Above each of the aisles is a number, one through ten all in order. You evaluate yourself. "I'm a 7...7.5" you think. That means you have 7 points to spend.
Do you start in Aisle 1?
Of course not!
You want to shoot for the 7 aisle, but you may take a glance down the 5/6 aisle. Sometimes items are miss-marked or miss-filed, and you might find a real deal. But remember, you want the most you can get for your money.
So lets give those aisles a quick glance and move on to what's in our price range.
Hmmm..the shelves are pretty bare here. Not only that, but there are other shoppers looking for the same thing we are. Slim pickings though. Lets take a peek at Aisle 8. There might be a discount.
Note: Discounts can occur if the man (or woman) is feeling especially vulnerable, on a rebound, or drunk
You don't see anything right away, and, since you're over here, you might as well do a little window shopping.
There's really no hope of being able to afford something in the 9/10 aisles. They're just too expensive for our purse except with the most stringent discount, which can be scary. Liiiike....he's a stunner in the looks department, and he's really a nice guy....who was just released from prison playing baseball with robins. (caveat emptor, people)
Then why are we going, you ask? We're going to do a little window shopping...admire some very nice products. (and maybe meet a nice plastic surgeon *snoink*)
But back to business.
We go back to Aisle 7 to see if it's been restocked yet. It was...but another shopper has already laid claim. Drat.
We now have two choices. We can shop down, and hope that we don't have to go too low to find something in the range of acceptability. Or we can put ourselves on display and hope that someone else is shopping down. And remember, the longer we are in the supermarket, the greater our considered eligibility pool grows.
Let's say that you've found what you are looking for. WAIT. Don't buy yet. Carry him/her around for a few minutes and decide if you want to keep them. If you don't, put them back. (There are dangers to this, however. These will be addressed in the "notes" section at the end.)
When you've finally made your decision, head to the checkout stand. The only question you have now is when the bagger asks "gold, white gold, or platinum?" (If you leave without checking out, that's shoplifting)
Ta Da!
If you're always taking items, but you can never make up your mind, you'll get a reputation for a permanent browser; like one of those people antique shop owners hate because they come in, mess everything up, and leave without buying.
There ARE people who may want/need to return their initial choice. Most stores will accept returns. Just don't do it too often. A) You'll get that reputation and B) People may think that you were the one returned, instead of doing the returning.
If you're in the store too long because you're picky or you can't find anything in your price range, you A) Begin to become one with the furnishings and trust me; you don't go to the produce section to buy bins that can hold apples, you go to buy apples. B) Get that harrowed, desperate look, and that drops you points. In fact, you may end up in the:
Bargain racks are places where you need to be careful. Here is where you find the most heavily discounted items, as well as those near their expiration date. These can serve their uses though. Maybe you don't need it for very long, so the fact that it's close to the expiration date doesn't mean anything. Or....maybe there's one that is visually appealing and was discounted for an internal thing. Carrying around this item may make someone else think you have more points than you do. Just don't carry them around too long, because their points will have a negative effect on yours.
And finally, be wary of the "pre-prepared." They have a higher likelihood of germs.
If you find yourself confused by any of my metaphors let me know :P

Monday, August 16, 2010

Color Coordination

Some things in life are set in stone. Not only are they the way they SHOULD be...that is the way they ARE. A citrus/lime (w/e) soda comes in a clear or green bottle, with similar labeling. Generic cola is red. When you invert colors and add lots of white, you are selling a diet drink.
Tonic water is yellow, ginger ale is green, and, no matter what they call it (*ahem* seltzer water), blue is club soda.
So when I bought a package of green gum by Eclipse last week, naturally I expected it to be spearmint.
And when you want spearmint, when you need spearmint, when you expect spearmint. it is horribly cruel and unfair to realize you're chewing on a square of lime/melon gum.
I almost cried in public.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Bus Drama

I really didn't think it would take this long to have some juicy bus stories to share with y'all. I suppose patience is a virtue (along with having over 4 hours of potential witnessing opportunities every day). It was bound to happen!
And so, brought to you by virtue of my combined monthly bus pass sponsored by the Redgirl household....
I give you two short productions.
We'll start with "Black Market on a Blue Bus," then progress onward to "Accidental Encounters of the Worst Kind"
Sit back and pull off those headphones for a little people watching (and listening!) expedition!
Black Market on a Blue Bus
Jim skulked in his blue fuzzy bus bench with the scooped out plastic seat. The places you have to go for shady business, he thought. But he was here. And already 20 minutes had passed without anyone approaching him. Jim checked to make sure the signal was in place: left shirt tail untucked with a small red dot sticker on it. It was also possible that with the bus so close to empty, it would look strange if anyone sat next to him. (y'all know how that works...I'll have to do a post on the unwritten rules of bus riding later...)
There was a stop ahead that looked pretty full. Maybe things would look up.
He glanced over as the students and commuters filed on. One woman flashing her single day bus pass caught his eye, and he glanced down to his shirt tail. Her eyes followed his down to the signal, and she gave a small smile sat down next to him. She set her pass on her knee, fully visible to Jim. It was in good condition with a slight crease on the upper right hand corner.
She kept her voice low, "Interested?"
Jim opened his mouth, but unfortunately forgot to use his inside voice. Or he would have forgotten if he had had an inside voice to use at all. "How much?" He asked at a level approximating a low yell.
"I paid six, but I'll give it to you for three." she said. "Don't have no use for it now. I'd still have time to buy 3 bottles of wine at the 99 Cent Store."
"Three dollars it is!" Jim near shouted and the exchange was completed. The woman had traded her creased pass for 3 slightly damp and crumpled, but still spend-able tokens of US currency.
Almost immediately, the bus slammed to a halt at the bus stop on Broadway and Riverside.
"Ma'am, your stop!" the portly bus driver with a mustache not appropriate for her gender.
"No it's not..." the woman said.
The bus driver sighed. "You used a day pass as your fare. You no longer retain that pass. Therefore, you are no longer entitled to be riding the bus." She decided to give a little advice to prevent future faux pas' that she would have to get involved in. "If you had just waited to sell it until your stop, you would have been better off. As it is, there could be an inspector aboard this bus right now. I couldn't help but hear the little transaction right under my nose."
The woman gave Jim a dirty look and made him trade back.
Jim was hurt; damn that woman and her infernal timing!
Accidental Encounters of the Worst Kind
Redgirl was riding her bus, rockin' out to a little nostalgic Creed when she heard raised voices from behind her shortly after a stop. It sounded interesting, so she figured the music could wait. Casually, she reached up and popped her right ear bud out to let in the unsavory sounds of the city and the delectable sounds of an argument she was not involved with in.
After listening for a few expletive-filled minutes, she pieced together a bit of back story.
A young man had been riding the bus. A young woman, with rather dubious looking tattoos got on the bus and made her way to the back. Upon recognizing the young man, she sat next to him, hemming him in the corner, to have it out.
To have what out?
The truth. And her feelings. With a few printable words sprinkled in between.
We'll call them Molly and Charles.
Molly: You! I fed you! I let you sleep in my f***ing house! I treated you like a G**d***ed brother! And you f***ing STOLE from me??!! You go into my f***ing wallet and you f***ing STEAL a hundred dollars??!!
Charles: I--
Molly: No! F*** you! You f***ing listen to ME! I (repeat previous) and you run out with my f***ing money! You better hope that Trevor still lets you come 'round, 'cause if he don't, you're going to be the loneliest f***er around. I hope you're lonely! I hope you're the loneliest g**d*** motherf***er ever you piece of s***.
Charles: Look, I'm sorry...I've got forty dollars right here--
Molly: I don't want your f***ing money you piece of s***! I don't want anything until you walk up to my door with a hundred dollars in your hands and you give it ALL back. I (repeat line one...again)
(sound of a slap)
Charles: I'm trying to give you the money...take the forty dollars--
Molly: Keep your f***in' money away from me. F*** you!
This continued for some time. Redgirl, previously having hoped that she would learn NEW words, morosely discovered that some people, when they get hold of one or two words in the base vernacular, don't seek to expand their vocabulary arsenals. What a sad fact, she pondered.
It was all I could do not to write Molly's "you're"s as "your"s. Because, you see, that's how she probably thought them in her mind :P
Ah, mass transportation stories! How I do love thee....and thee and thee...
I know you've all got them too! Comment with your worst (or weirdest) encounter for general (and specific) amusement! (mine)

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Letter to Whomever Invented the English Language

Dear Sir or Ma'am,
I'd like to start by saying I appreciate the hard work you did in standardizing the written word. I know that it can't have been easy..with all those sound-alike words and look-alike words that sound differently. You even invented names for those contingencies! What I have to say to you may seem acerbic, but please understand that only now (being in school for court reporting) am I beginning to have an issue with some of your spelling choices.
I present (have) read and (to) read. There is a perfectly serviceable word out there spelled "reed" that is a noun. Think of it! There would be no confusion!
Or how you decided that having only one combination to make the "f" sound. I do admit that ph together make an aesthetically pleasing combination, but I can't help but feel that were were trying to achieve something dastardly. Was it your plan when little
Victor is trying to spell the word "knife" that the teacher says "look it up!" that he spends the next 3 hours combing the "n" section?
But those are not the biggest flaws.
As a court reporting student, I care not for the spellings. It is the sounds that concern me. If one (such as yourself) is to decide that "loose" should be spelled such, and "lose" so, it seems natural to follow this law to its conclusion. However, you failed to do this. You failed MISERABLY. (and yes, I just threw caps at you)
Why would you think, then, that "choose" and "chose" should be spelled the way you did? And these are not isolated examples. It might have been forgivable had that been the case, but no. We have "noose" and "nose" as well.
Even more so do you lose points on the "auw" words. "Caught" and "naught," but then "thought," "bought," and "cough." Really, what were you smoking?
There are a lot of other things as well, but to go into them now would be nit picking.
I just hope that next time, you take more care.
Thank you,
Note to readers: What annoys YOU most about the English language? Also, I am now mostly posting from a server that blocks blogger (grrr) so if you've noticed a lack of commenting on my part, that's why.

Monday, August 9, 2010

In Which I Observe My Commute

Living north of Marysville and schooling in Sacto means I have a commute of roughly 2 hours each way on the bus. After a while, I have begun to notice:
Number of auto related businesses: 35
Number just selling parts: 14
Number just selling tires: 17
Number selling Firestone tires (snicker): 1
Number of random murals: 8
Number that might possibly actually be classy graffiti: 1
Graveyards/Cemeteries: 5
Tombstone (ahem) "Monument" outlets: 1
Number of Monument outlets located across the street from prospective customers: 1
Chase banks: 6
Number of business that I honestly thought were single-location stores in my last town of residence and apparently are not: 7
Liquor stores: 10
Adult book stores: 4
Percentage of houses with fences: 81%
Percentage of those (with fences) that *must* be protecting diamond mines because they could withstand a tank while the house inside collapses from the mere ground tremors from its approach: 97.3
(Hey, if I lived on Broadway and Stockton, I'd not only have fence, but a moat filled with starving piranhas)
Number of restaurants with the word "dragon" in the title: 6
Number of restaurants that probably have "dragon" in the title but I can't read them because of the language: 17
Number of DMV employees that ride my morning bus: 6
Number of said employees that asked me (on observance of smashing demeanor?...Briefcase?) if I worked for DMV as well: 2
Number of SMUD billboards featuring a girl that looks like she doesn't have a financial care the world (let alone over 15 years old) giving us financial advice: 3
Average sizes (too big) of the males' clothing: +3
Average sizes (too small) of the females' clothing: -2
3-2=+1 <--- Average ill-fitting-ness of clothing
Number of women this week I have mistaken for men longer than 15 minutes: 5
Number of suspected meth users spotted today: 1
Color of her lipstick: indescribable
Points of difference on the aroma scale between the Regional Transit bus and the commuter bus: 7.5
Time spent on said buses in relation to aroma score received: None Proportional
Overall conclusion of the bus situation if this persists: Not Good
Number of hair pins lost sometime today: 10
Number of them that are probably still in my hair but I just can't find them: 5
Number of people that I spied on in their cars while looking down from my bus so they couldn't see me: A Lot
Number of questionable activities seen: 1
Number of cars I looked in after I saw that which I wish I had not seen: 0
Cups of coffee consumed today: Too Many
Hours of sleep attained: Not Enough
For those of you who haven't picked it up, I have quit my job at the Happy Hotel so that I can go to school full-time as a court reporting student. This is not to say there won't be hotel stories...I have notes that have yet to be written up. The observations flavored with snark are all the same, only the venue has changed.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Under New Management

I love this sign...
So many implications!
When you see this, the subtext screams:
Under NEW management. Not that there was anything wrong with the old management...well...yes there was. Because you see, the fact that there is now NEW management will make all the difference. Like....people--such as yourselves--might actually try visiting again.
Like you, Mrs. Cole. We truly regret that the last manager, Mr Swinksy, made the "loser" sign at you because he thought you were blind and couldn't see what he was doing. You do have to admit, though, those big black wrap-arounds are a little extreme for the average sun-sensitive elderly woman. I suppose the universal gesture for craziness when you tried to use a coupon didn't help. But yeah, we're really sorry about that.
Mr. Frost, we here at the "Happy Shack" want to extend an apology--from all of us--about your last visit. Ouda (our chef) sometimes mixes up cuisines from here and where he moved from. He had a late night and lost his bearings a bit. In other countries, locusts are considered quite the delicacy, and cooking them can be tricky. Maybe it was too rare? hadn't ordered locust. Hmm. Well, we CAN tell you that Ouda doesn't work here anymore. Yup. We've replaced him with his twin brother Oudal. Luckily, Oudal knows the menu very well, as well as fitting his brother's chef's gear. (savings that we pass on to you, the customer!)
We understand that during those renovations we had (you know, the ones where we didn't really do anything except paint a few walls to give it the feeling of newness) there were a few issues. As a guest, you have the right to expect that the bathrooms will work, that the doors and locks are fully functioning. Under the old management, we had a few problems, namely patrons being locked in the bathrooms overnight. We know that paint fumes can be strong, and, well, coupled with that medical condition....And it wasn't that Management ignored your screams! Oh no! Our bathroom doors are very solid, we're proud to say. In fact, that very bathroom doubles as a bomb shelter, purely for the safety of patrons such as yourself in case of that contingency!
We do acknowledge that Mr. Swinsky's discovery of you after you dug through the drywall and were found collapsed in the lobby scrabbling at the front door for escape and subsequent  words of "get out you filthy bum!"  and assistance with his foot to help you out the door was an overreaction.
We're only telling you this so you know how much BETTER we're going to be!
We're not just better...we're AWESOME now! Our staff is so friendly, our NEW management so competent that a permanent metaphysical RAINBOW spans our roof! Our food tastes of heaven! Our drinks, ambrosia! Renovated interior! Better quality cutlery! Improved atmosphere!
So yeah. You should totally stop by.....