Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Supermarket of Loooooove

Chatting with school chums the other day (chums!! that word is so Hardy Boys) about a theory my professor went over in Psychology, and they wanted me to post it.
And you, gentle reader must know from reading other such entries one truism:
Rarely does a simple theory stay so after I get my hands on it.
So without ado, here is The Supermarket Theory
We all subconciously know the laws of attraction. We assign other people with quotients; the quotient is obtained by combining the number of attractiveness with any percieved flaws. A woman who is very attractive might have bad body odor, so her quotient, which might have been an 8, drops to a 6 (or lower depending on how bad the smell is lol). The quotient is also known as the price.
So there you are. In the market for love. Where do you go?
You go to the supermarket of love, down on 3rd and K.
Inside the supermarket, there are aisles. Above each of the aisles is a number, one through ten all in order. You evaluate yourself. "I'm a 7...7.5" you think. That means you have 7 points to spend.
Do you start in Aisle 1?
Of course not!
You want to shoot for the 7 aisle, but you may take a glance down the 5/6 aisle. Sometimes items are miss-marked or miss-filed, and you might find a real deal. But remember, you want the most you can get for your money.
So lets give those aisles a quick glance and move on to what's in our price range.
Hmmm..the shelves are pretty bare here. Not only that, but there are other shoppers looking for the same thing we are. Slim pickings though. Lets take a peek at Aisle 8. There might be a discount.
Note: Discounts can occur if the man (or woman) is feeling especially vulnerable, on a rebound, or drunk
You don't see anything right away, and, since you're over here, you might as well do a little window shopping.
There's really no hope of being able to afford something in the 9/10 aisles. They're just too expensive for our purse except with the most stringent discount, which can be scary. Liiiike....he's a stunner in the looks department, and he's really a nice guy....who was just released from prison playing baseball with robins. (caveat emptor, people)
Then why are we going, you ask? We're going to do a little window shopping...admire some very nice products. (and maybe meet a nice plastic surgeon *snoink*)
But back to business.
We go back to Aisle 7 to see if it's been restocked yet. It was...but another shopper has already laid claim. Drat.
We now have two choices. We can shop down, and hope that we don't have to go too low to find something in the range of acceptability. Or we can put ourselves on display and hope that someone else is shopping down. And remember, the longer we are in the supermarket, the greater our considered eligibility pool grows.
Let's say that you've found what you are looking for. WAIT. Don't buy yet. Carry him/her around for a few minutes and decide if you want to keep them. If you don't, put them back. (There are dangers to this, however. These will be addressed in the "notes" section at the end.)
When you've finally made your decision, head to the checkout stand. The only question you have now is when the bagger asks "gold, white gold, or platinum?" (If you leave without checking out, that's shoplifting)
Ta Da!
If you're always taking items, but you can never make up your mind, you'll get a reputation for a permanent browser; like one of those people antique shop owners hate because they come in, mess everything up, and leave without buying.
There ARE people who may want/need to return their initial choice. Most stores will accept returns. Just don't do it too often. A) You'll get that reputation and B) People may think that you were the one returned, instead of doing the returning.
If you're in the store too long because you're picky or you can't find anything in your price range, you A) Begin to become one with the furnishings and trust me; you don't go to the produce section to buy bins that can hold apples, you go to buy apples. B) Get that harrowed, desperate look, and that drops you points. In fact, you may end up in the:
Bargain racks are places where you need to be careful. Here is where you find the most heavily discounted items, as well as those near their expiration date. These can serve their uses though. Maybe you don't need it for very long, so the fact that it's close to the expiration date doesn't mean anything. Or....maybe there's one that is visually appealing and was discounted for an internal thing. Carrying around this item may make someone else think you have more points than you do. Just don't carry them around too long, because their points will have a negative effect on yours.
And finally, be wary of the "pre-prepared." They have a higher likelihood of germs.
If you find yourself confused by any of my metaphors let me know :P


Carolyn said...

hmm, provacative... and cynical! Some of your metaphores were uncannily accurate.

lifeshighway said...

What kind of score factor is involved with those items that have been surgically enhanced? (All those nitrates)