Friday, October 29, 2010

Word Search

When setting out a word search that appears to be kid-friendly, one should always include a word bank. When one is absent, the enterprising adult will find...other words.
Some Halloween words discovered:
Possible Halloween words:
Words I doubt I was supposed to find:
Although I'm certain that all manner of  things can happen on Halloween, I doubt the average child would like to mar their night with the sin of a bit of avid rape.

Bus Rule Violation Shocks Community

Dear skinny Asian lady with impossibly supple neck:
I understand why you sat by me. The commuter bus was full and you needed a seat. I even get why you didn't move to an adjacent seat after the first stop (of three). After all, there weren't more than 1 or two open seats open around us. What I don't understand is why you didn't move after the next stop when EVERY SINGLE OTHER PERSON on the bus got off and it was just you and me, as is customary. Or why you kept trying to talk to me when I was obviously trying to read a really engrossing book.
If you can shed light on any of this, I'd appreciate it.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Saving Money on a Tight Budget: Patented Redgirl Shortcuts For Retaining the Appearance of Wealth While Still Having Money For the Things You Want

Wendi's comment on my previous post on a proper diet sparked new, exciting thoughts. After all, people out there are getting rich on self help books, advice columns and the like. Why shouldn't I get a piece of that? It doesn't seem to matter if they know what they're talking about or not, and since I KNOW what I'M talking about (*snicker*), I could be ten times better at this business. Let's kick it off with a little financial planning! Especially in *this* economy. (I just had to get that in. It annoys me when other people say it, so I thought to help you feel my pain)
I know how it is. You live in your 4.5 bedroom house, drive your Hummer to and from work, but can't save money to go to Africa for that Mighty Roar Big Game Hunt you've had your heart set on for years. You have 649 channels on your HD TV, but can't afford to upgrade your 20-gauge shotgun to that Browning Over and Under you've had your eye on since you had your first attempted robbery last year.
Fear not! What you need are just a few simple money saving tips to fill your coffers.
The idea is not to give up life's pleasures. Without a Hummer, what's the point of even going to work? You wouldn't be able to park next to that little crappy Toyota* your boss drives and edge in on his parking space.
To start with, look down. How many kids do you have? If you have more than 1 or 2, you have too many. You have options with the extras. I firmly suggest reading A Modest Proposal for one idea. (If you don't have time to read now or have never read it--shame on you--the basics are that poor countries can use excess children as a food source) If your child has passed infancy, consider selling or leasing them
Set up a still for a lucrative home business. Especially in an urban setting, no one will know what it is, so you have less of a chance of being busted. Because city folk haven't sampled the joys of a little white lightning, your market will grow exponentially once everyone knows where to get the good stuff. Think of this untaxed, unreported income as your retirement plan.
Hummers take a lot of gas. A Prius doesn't. These are facts. So, help a Prius owner out and take some of that gas off their hands. Don't mention it to them though, they'll only be embarrassed at having to thank you.
Keep an eye out for stray animals and "Missing" pet posters. When you find two that match, go to it. Rewards for "finding" lost pets can add up over the long term. In fact, if you want to be really enterprising, set up a mini kennel in your backyard so you can grab likely looking animals as you see them. The only down side to that is that you'll have to feed them. Of course, if your turnover is good...
Make some friends in Nigeria. If you're always going in the bank and cashing checks, you can certainly keep up the "appearance of wealth" part.
***Persons reading this advice should use only if right for their current situation. No refunds for YOUR bad decisions. I am a licensed professional. Getting arrested isn't fun, but I hear the prison wine is to die for. The buck stops here. 
*I drove a Toyota for years. I loved it more as each part ceased to function. It now shambles faithfully around under the firm guidance of my little sister. I will say this though: Their public relations department reacted in a less-than-ideal fashion after this year's recall over shoddy brakes.

News From the Home Front

As anyone in NorCal can remember, we had a pretty epic storm this last weekend. As with any good storm that comes visiting, it left us a gift.
No, not those two inches of rain. Not the branches everywhere.
Rather, it took out the phone lines. Dial up sucketh greatly, but this is a new opportunity for further sucking.
And since we're rural, I get the feeling they're going to take their sweet time fixing it.
But because the phones are out, we are able to have great moments of meaningful family time.
Dearest Mother was wistful about the days of going to the local pumpkin farm when she would watch us all play (?).
Father: We can still go...
Mumzie: It's not the same! I loved to sit and watch the kids play, but they don't go anymore.
Me: You can still go and watch kids play. Other people's kids.
Mumzie: ?
Father: (has some idea where I'm going with this)
Me: Of course, they generally call you a pedophile when you do that...
Isn't it interesting all the things you can do with your own family/people you know that you couldn't get away with otherwise?

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Redgirl's Guide to Healthy Eating

Tired of munching on Twinkies and ice cream as your main fare? Want something that doesn't give you that "I fell off the wagon" feel in the morning?

You've come to the right place! Eating right is easy; just follow a few simple mostly color-based rules and you'll be dining high in no time.

If it's green, it's healthy for you

Just like it sounds! If you're colorblind, and can't tell green from blue, ask your neighbor. If it's growing, it's usually green. Foods and food-like substances in this group include:

artichoke hearts
cucumber-vodka cocktails*
anything with green food coloring in it.

*I know! I was surprised too, but it was green, so what can you do?

If it's white, it has no calories

This one may come as a shock, but if you come from the (proper) school of thought that the colors are where all the calories live, this makes perfect sense. Luckily, there are a LOT of white or nearly colorless foods out there:

string cheese (mozzarella)
boiled eggs (the yellow yolk is on the inside, so it doesn't count)
Crisco (the regular stuff, not the butter flavored)
extra white-white vanilla frosting

If it's red, it's awesome and therefore healthy for you as WELL as having no calories

Red, being the best color in the world is available for consumption in any food. Examples include:

Rare steak
shrimp (close enough, anyway)
red velvet cake

A few other rules of thumb are:

Blue is kind of unnatural, so approach with caution. Orange has some red in it, so it's all right on occasion. And stay away from tequila. It's not your friend.

***consult your doctor before making any drastic diet changes. The Redgirl Eating Plan may not be right for you. Don't swallow sharp things like caltrops. No refunds. Check for a working sewage system before buying a house.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Words That Descibe

Musings from today's trip. Starts with reality, ends with...something else. Hey! That should be my motto!

Motto s of Sac Denizens

Sheridan Valets:
Not only will we park your car, but we'll look damn good doing it!

the cafeteria (restaurant):
We make money by trying to sound unpretentious and failing. Miserably.

Sac Regional Transit:
If we're on time, we'll pay YOU a dollar!

Shoplifter from local outdoor mall: *Pant* If I can *Pant* fun faster than the cops *Pant*, I deserve to keep this stuff!

We only ignore traffic law in an emergency. It's usually an emergency.

Lady sitting in front of me:
If a chair can lean back, it should always be leaned back. To the fullest extent possible.

Foremost in Fuzziness:
Even after cutting my hair, I'll wear sweaters a sheep would die to own!

Hoodlums at school: Don't worry, we can spoil your day too!

....and it glows in the dark!
Lightning free for over 25 years!

Woman I saw at bus stop:
I just look like a man!

Road Narrows
(repeat as needed, or just anytime you feel like watching their eyes get all scared)

Inventor of the deep fried turkey:
But have you tried deep frying it?

Squirrel (my cat):
Helping you....feed ME every day, all day!

Seagulls everywhere after watching "Finding Nemo":

What I wish the Judge would have said instead of 4 repetitions of admonishing the jury not to discuss the trial or decide the case that I read in Mock Court today:
Shut your traps and no thinking (about anything) at ALL until you're in that Jury Room. Or I'll slit your help me God.

Financial Aid:
We're open EVERY day not ending in "Y"!

Starbucks and Makers of Spiced Pumpkin Ale:
Keepin' you comin'
In for the Pumpkin!
99 Years of restricting
when you can have
pumpkin ANYthing

Yes, I am bitter. Why does the pumpkin spiced latte have to come back? Can't it stay for a bit? Like...FOREVER???

Putting the "play" back in Bubonic Plague

Chuck Norris:
Mere words cannot contain Chuck Norris.

Next time: Redgirl's way to eat right!