Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Saving Money on a Tight Budget: Patented Redgirl Shortcuts For Retaining the Appearance of Wealth While Still Having Money For the Things You Want

Wendi's comment on my previous post on a proper diet sparked new, exciting thoughts. After all, people out there are getting rich on self help books, advice columns and the like. Why shouldn't I get a piece of that? It doesn't seem to matter if they know what they're talking about or not, and since I KNOW what I'M talking about (*snicker*), I could be ten times better at this business. Let's kick it off with a little financial planning! Especially in *this* economy. (I just had to get that in. It annoys me when other people say it, so I thought to help you feel my pain)
I know how it is. You live in your 4.5 bedroom house, drive your Hummer to and from work, but can't save money to go to Africa for that Mighty Roar Big Game Hunt you've had your heart set on for years. You have 649 channels on your HD TV, but can't afford to upgrade your 20-gauge shotgun to that Browning Over and Under you've had your eye on since you had your first attempted robbery last year.
Fear not! What you need are just a few simple money saving tips to fill your coffers.
The idea is not to give up life's pleasures. Without a Hummer, what's the point of even going to work? You wouldn't be able to park next to that little crappy Toyota* your boss drives and edge in on his parking space.
To start with, look down. How many kids do you have? If you have more than 1 or 2, you have too many. You have options with the extras. I firmly suggest reading A Modest Proposal for one idea. (If you don't have time to read now or have never read it--shame on you--the basics are that poor countries can use excess children as a food source) If your child has passed infancy, consider selling or leasing them
Set up a still for a lucrative home business. Especially in an urban setting, no one will know what it is, so you have less of a chance of being busted. Because city folk haven't sampled the joys of a little white lightning, your market will grow exponentially once everyone knows where to get the good stuff. Think of this untaxed, unreported income as your retirement plan.
Hummers take a lot of gas. A Prius doesn't. These are facts. So, help a Prius owner out and take some of that gas off their hands. Don't mention it to them though, they'll only be embarrassed at having to thank you.
Keep an eye out for stray animals and "Missing" pet posters. When you find two that match, go to it. Rewards for "finding" lost pets can add up over the long term. In fact, if you want to be really enterprising, set up a mini kennel in your backyard so you can grab likely looking animals as you see them. The only down side to that is that you'll have to feed them. Of course, if your turnover is good...
Make some friends in Nigeria. If you're always going in the bank and cashing checks, you can certainly keep up the "appearance of wealth" part.
***Persons reading this advice should use only if right for their current situation. No refunds for YOUR bad decisions. I am a licensed professional. Getting arrested isn't fun, but I hear the prison wine is to die for. The buck stops here. 
*I drove a Toyota for years. I loved it more as each part ceased to function. It now shambles faithfully around under the firm guidance of my little sister. I will say this though: Their public relations department reacted in a less-than-ideal fashion after this year's recall over shoddy brakes.

1 comment:

lifeshighway said...

Hey thanks for researching the directions of on how to set up a still. I have just the space in my back yard. Having tried it more than once, I can say it is pretty good and people will always buy it from you.

I had never read A Modest Proposal. I enjoyed it immensely. In fact I may suggest it the next time I go to a restaurant to be annoyed yet again by someone's "little darlin;"