Friday, September 17, 2010

Tour Bus to the Ghetto (part 1)

Hello! Welcome to CapTours! Get it? Get it?! CapTOURS? Hahahah....Anyway....
I get it.
*Ahem* With CapTours, the tour's the thing--we show you the capital like you've never seen it before!
...That's why I'm here. I'd like to take the "Rose Garden Tour"....with no bees please. sorry. The Govenator used the center quadrant of roses for target practice, so it's closed for replanting. We do have an opening in another tour though.
Which one?
It's called "Down and Dirty: Trip to the Ghetto".
I don't know about that....
It's one of our most popular tours! I'll even throw in the "Premier" package :D
(suspicious) So what's in this "premier package"
Oh, I wouldn't want to spoil it--and look! There's your tour bus now! Hop on!
Who are all those other people and why are they getting on? I thought this was personalized...
You'll see....
*takes out headphones and plugs them into wall jack for tour info*
*Static* Welcome to your personalized trip to the ghetto! The people you see around you are part of your premier experience--to provide you with full sensory adventure as you progress. As we approach our first stop, you're probably thinking "this looks like a normal city. where's the ghetto I paid for?"
I'm not sure I what what I paid for.
Fear not! We start downtown, and then approach our destination through varying degrees of the landscape. Entering now is a local creature; a young man of African decent with his pants nearly around his ankles. This is done by manufacturers in return for a payoff from women who have a hard time catching men unless movement can be impeded. A little known fact: Police Departments also subsidize the "low and baggy" clothing trend as it makes criminals easier to catch.
The sculpting job on that hair makes his head look like a badly trimmed topiary.
He's going to sit in front of you so you can examine the hair more closely.
uuh...thank you?
If he trimmed it himself, he would appear to be right-handed, as the left side of his 'do looks more misshapen. Now, turn your attention to the woman getting on now.
Why? Hey! she passed a perfectly good empty seat and now she's trying to sit down on my briefcase! Geeze lady, I'm moving it already...
She just violated the "empty buss seat rule". Notice how she passes whole empty seat units. There are several rules like this. If you'll crack on earphone, you'll now get to hear another one in the process of being broken.
There are now 2 girls sitting behind stars, they're trying to sing! Egad, my ears!
Head phones are acceptable, but some folk take a private experience and turn it into a public one. While "I Love the Way You Lie" is one such example, sometimes songs can be explicit. When this happens, make sure you've packed your duct tape to perform damage control. The couple boarding the bus now do it the right way, albeit peculiarly.
I've never seen a bosom that covered someone's entire torso before. Jus' sayin'
Notice that the female of this species seems to be in charge. She yanks on his arm as he tries to sit in a seat not of her liking.
Why is he carrying a radio--especially the size of a philandering businessman's briefcase?
You may notice he is carrying a radio. Watch as he sits with his wife and--in the middle of her diatribe--plugs his headphones into it and proceeds to ignore her with his monolithic Walkman. She either does not appear to notice, or this is a regular occurrence, because she blathers on without a hitch.
To be continued in hopefully a few hours....

1 comment:

lifeshighway said...

I am not sure I like this tour. It makes me feel wobbly like the boat tour in Willie Wonka (old school).

I am also concerned if you made it out alive.