Wednesday, February 24, 2010

The Great Yeti Experiment

I'm posting this for my intro into picking up my blogging again (yay!)


After viewing the History Channels "Search for the Yeti" and subsequent hypothesis' on what/where the Yeti might be, I, with the help of a few select others, have come up with a working plan to further the Yeti hoax.

Team Requirements:

The Yeti Experiment requires a very dedicated and talented team. At very minimum, two, although more would be helpful. One member must be a talented geneticist willing bend a few moral laws.

The Experiment:

Person A gets some DNA from the only existing albino gorilla, Snowflake. Grows a test tube gorilla. Another person (b/c the geneticist probably doesn't know the first thing about raising gorillas) raises the beast in a cave up in the mountains of wherever you want your sighting. This lets the gorilla be acclimated. Person B (animal trainer, hopefully) will instill word-linked behaviours. This will allow the gorilla to attack on demand of the handler. Lone hunters can be practiced on and then safely discarded down a nearby deep ravine. At some point right before the growth spurt, surgery will be performed by a possible Person C to make feet mimic the yeti footprint in existence. This is to be done under anesthetic, obviously.


In preparation for the big finale, our Yeti will be spotted by a few of the locals. Persons involved with the experiment will insure that scientists get wind and will aid in forming expedition to look for the Yeti. (Person B will have been letting the Yeti tromp 'round all over the mountains)

Final Experiment:

Person D will lead the expedition to a pre-chosen spot. Meanwhile, Person B will have painted the gorilla's exposed skin black or white...whatever color is most impressive, and then lead it to near the spot chosen. At the signal, the yeti will be directed towards the scientists. The Yeti will be allowed to attack a pack animal, or perhaps a scientist if it seems more dramatic. This will give the scientists time to take pictures. If it has not already attacked a person when Person D feels there have been enough pictures, it will at this point. Person D will be rushed at by the Yeti, and will then shoot it, wounding it severely. It will drag itself off where persons B and a helper, possibly a Person E will throw it into the aforementioned ravine. With the absence of a body, there will be no proof that the Yeti was manufactured. If Persons A,B,C,D, and E residual pangs of morals, they will at this point hold a ceremony at the ravine edge.In the timeless and appropriate words of Lorlor(my letter writing li'l sis):

Lorlor: He was a GOOD yeti

Redgirl: He was a WHITE yeti

Em (still panting): He was a blinking HEAVY yeti!!

Then we cash in on our confirmed yeti sighting with books, movies, documentaries, and Redgirl action figures (with yeti killing action!!)

This brings me to the next section;


What is the point of a good experiment if you don't make a little something off of it? That's right. Not much. The Yeti, of course, will be the most popular figure complete with light-up eyes and canned roaring noise. The "Redgirl figurine with Yeti killing action will be a close second." Also sold separately are "Frightened Scientist", "Scientist with Camera", "Yeti-ravaged Scientist" and for a limited time, "Scientist Wetting Himself From Fear."

Claim your role NOW!!!


lifeshighway said...

I want to be the trainer, please please please. I would be all over yeti merchandising.

It could go big: Yeti package on the Land Rover (all white leather interior), Yeti TV show, knock off Yeti Movie, Yeti the mini-series.

You are a visionary.

Jenna Lynn said...

hahahahaha WHAT?!

What is a Yeti?!

lifeshighway said...

Yeti can be used to clean your house if properly trained and I heard they can make very nice bonsai trees.

Carolyn said...

I think you should have a popularity contest: Yeti or Bigfoot?
Ok, so I know that Bigfoot is big and dark and hairy and smells totally rank, and Yeti is smaller and hairy and white sort of like the cute abominable snowman from Rudolph the Red Nosed Raindeer, but gosh darn it! Bigfoot is ours!

redgirl said...

I have heard that Swiffer is having talks with the Yeti contingent upon an agreement of nonagression... :P

Being as Bigfoot IS ours, much as the Loch Nes Monster belongs soley to area up there...I only put out the Yeti as the experiment b/c they are white. And because there aren't normally white gorillas, they are much harder to write off as "some ape that got loose from a zoo, duh"