Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Sexual Harassment

What do YOU know about sexual harassment*?
I mean, I assume it's bad. What I don't expect is for you to show me a lengthy video featuring a man in suspenders and a 90's haircut in front of a large empty fish tank outlining in explicit detail how exactly to go about doing said harassment if you so chose. With "skits" of each type. (I mean, it's also possible that they WERE real, and whoever was manning the security footage let it go so's they could get the goods for a training video that they could then copyright and sell to various franchises across the country)
Sexual Harassment Option 1:
Bug people for dates even when they said no. Then, follow them into the stock room and when your backs are to each other, poke out your butt and gyrate it on theirs. You will know you are successful if you hear cries of "hey! stop it!". Then explain to the young handsome manager that touching other people in the stock room is unavoidable. This option works best if you are slightly creepy-looking to begin with.
SHO 2:
Get yourself into a management or supervisory position so you can force your minions to enter into "relationships" with you. This is an especially good option if you are a woman in your mid 30s and want a little action with some of the hot young stuff. Make sure you use the word "relationship" when making your flirty advances. This is suitably creepy, yet defendable to your superior: "I want working relationships with ALL my lackeys".
SHO 3:
Find the middle-aged man on staff (all restaurants are required to have at least one for diversity's sake). In the break room, pressure him for details about his date the previous night. Because he told two young women less than half his age about the date hoping they could offer...advice? Hangout hotspots? A shoulder to cry on when it didn't go well? Make sure you and your sycophant flank him so he can't get away easily. Then pull out the thumbscrews and grill him about his lady friend. Fun for all! (except him)
SHO 4:
This option is good for men, because I think only they can pull it off with the proper amount of offensiveness. (how much offensiveness? a LOT. Trust me folks, to do this, you need to be able to leer, and I haven't yet met a woman who could leer half as well as a man) So. You need to grab the person you want to make uncomfortable for a makeshift ruse, like taking inventory of the canned goods closet. Then, halfway through, look behind her at the woman loading up a cart with unidentifiable objects. Then say "Man, look at THAT! What a body..." Your victim will try to get back to work, but you should pepper the conversation with more snippets such as "Hot damn, how does she even work here with a body like that" and "I'd sure like to get my hands on those curves". With the proper facial expression, it will do wonders for your reputation (as a lecher).
So, especially as we got to the end, I found myself excited about all the ways to harass someone that I hadn't known about before. And then suspender man came on again and said "Sooo...all that stuff we just showed you? Yeah, don't do any of it." Me: "The why the heck did you SHOW it to me and get me all excited??!!"
I also find it interesting that these videos and courses are always about your fellow co-workers and never about the public, which happens a whole heck of a lot more.
*yeah, yeah. SH is not for the weak of stomach, or even for ppl who actually strive to be morally righteous. Perform these options at your own risk, and the risk of pepper spray. Redgirl is not responsible for your subsequent unemployment and/or possible incarceration. Be good boys and girls.


lifeshighway said...

Thanks for the vast arsenal of handy harassment type tools for my enjoyment.

I agree, I am still working on the leer and I CANNOT get it right.

Loreleigh said...

you havn't seen anything till you've seen the clip of 90's hair lady giving the "hungry eyes" look at sweater man in the Wal Mart break room not only is it "not good" it is also wrong on sooooo many levels

redgirl said...

My fertile imagination is coming up with all SORTS of scenarios, none of them pretty. How old does sweater man look? Wouldn't it be interesting if they used the same actors in these things?
"Ah, and who are you?"
"Me? They usually have me play the old lecher...I have my leer down pat."
"Ah, good. Then all we need is a near-pedefielic matriarch."
"Susan usually plays that."
"Oh good, then we're covered"