Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Why I Wear Headphones

…except I forgot my ipod today. This afforded me the luxury of getting to witness, hear, and actually take part in the affairs around me. Also make snarky commentary because I was bored out of my mind.

Let's kick it off with my ride on the Sac city bus homeward:

Woman1: Don't you go thinking I'm crazy by the way I look!

Me: No…we think you're crazy because you're talking to yourself, eating an orange peel straight, and carrying a large piece of dead palm tree matter on the bus.

I'm trying of stay out of the following conversation:

Man: Yup, I've been in the hospital for a month, just got out a day or two ago. Gotta work on my tan.

Woman2: Oh no! What happened? (why did you ask that? Why? WHY?)

Man: Well, I was out for dinner with my family and half way through, I got up to use the bathroom and passed out. They found me in the hall passed out when I didn't come back. They thought I had had a heart attack, but it wasn't. So they put me on oxygen for a month.

Woman1: Yeah, that's baaad

Man: Yeah, when I went in, I was at 146. When I came out, I was at 106.

I have to stop this charming narrative here. Maybe he was using kilograms as a measure? Maybe he has a special scale? Maybe he's NUTS?

Oh yeah, that's probably it.

Well, I can't help the small amused smirk that probably crossed my face which apparently was interpreted by the palm-bearing lady as an inviting-let's-get-to-know-each-other sort of smile.

Her: You are a very pretty girl

Me: …thanks (Nervous smile. Don't want to encourage them, you know)

Her: You are! Your hair is just so pretty. Do you have Irish in you?

Me: I believe so; a little.

Her: You're very pretty. I know because I'm an artist. I sculpt. (Waves palm piece menacingly)

I'd dye my hair to avoid this stuff if I didn't:

A) Happen to really like it the way it is.

B) Want to lose my automatic place on bucket lists world wide

C) Mourn the lack of amusing blog fodder

But let's continue our bus journey!

An overweight young woman clamors on and I hear a yelp behind me: "Christine Hernandez! What are you doing here?"

Turns out Christine is on her way to the dentist to get a root canal. Yippee for her.

As the conversation continues, I find it odd that they obviously know each other and are interested in talking, but are sitting at opposite ends of an uncrowded bus yelling over my head.

Artist lady has left, and a woman gets on and sits in front of me where Christine has vacated. She is wearing a very fuzzy leopard print hat. So help me God but I really really wanted to reach out and pet it. Here kitty kitty!

I wonder if people think about who has sat in the seat before them. I remember a day where an obese man with his pants so low a plumber would probably sue for trademark infringement nestle down in a chair to the horrified astonishment of the bus population. When he left, no one in the crowded bus moved to the now-empty seat, even though they were pretty packed. Two stops later, a young, innocent school girl got on and plopped right down. All I could do is wince.

Like, what happens when you settle down in an area that reeks of KFC-eating homeless bum, and when you get up, you still smell that man almost as if he were dogging your footsteps? Your choices are:

A) The smell is just lingering in your nostrils

B) What ever they left on the seat has migrated to you

C) Check behind you for a satiated bum

Fuzzy hat lady leaves (sad face) and semi-attractive man sits down…except…sir? Sir? Excuse me? Bowl cuts went out of style along with sending your third son to join the priesthood.

The commuter bus north was fine…except for the fact that I seem to have an unhappy knack of picking seats near people who are going to want to talk on the phone the entire way home. Loudly. This happens more often than not, especially if I want to sleep.

Two quick things from school today:

Wearing cheap black sunglasses indoors while working on a computer in a windowless room does not make you look cool. It makes you look stupid.

No, a cupcake is not supposed to be crunchy. This is not an adjective you may apply to said pastry. If they are crunchy, we refer to them as something else. Like burnt. Or just trash.

Tonight, we have another five to midnight shift, so lets all cross our fingers and hope for some drive-thru crazyness!


lifeshighway said...

Your bus ride made me feel physically ill. Shudder. Except for palm lady, I like artists.

I knew I could get you to accept your position on the bucket list.

Real Bloggers United said...

Terrifically funny...and a wee bit disturbing, too! (HA!) Sunglasses inside have always looked a tad odd to me but I figure they wear them for a reason. And with ADHD, it's SO hard for me to not listen to other conversations which is why earphones can make me appear to not look as if I'm listening! (HA...again!)

Avery Brown
http://whenasouthernwomanrambles.blogspot.com/ (my personal site)

(Oh and as Editor-in-Chief of RBU: TGB & I wanted to let you know we've not forgotten about you at RBU! We hope you'll consider submitting something for the March 2011 edition of RBU: The Group Blog as it's 'Blogger's Choice' and you've got quite a nifty way of making things sound hilarious! You can get more info at the site realbloggersunited.blogspot.com/)

lifeshighway said...

yeah but did someone get frozen in time and have to endless ride the hell bus forever... no.

redgirl said...

Bitter much? believe me, 2 years is going to be endless hell enough. And a stone donkey can't die. I could get stabbed by a crazy bum.