Thursday, May 14, 2009

Anatomy of a Phone Call: in which someone dies in the end

**names have been changed to protect identity of the murderer


Me: Happy Hotel in Danville, this is Bethany

Her: .....

Me: Happy Hotel in Danvill....this is Bethany

Her: Is this the Happy Hotel?


Me: Yes.

Her: In Danville?


Me: Yes.

Her: Ok Stephanie, can I have reservations please?

die. just die.

Me: That would be me! What dates did you need?

Her: Oh, um....lemme check.....'re calling to make hotel reservations. maybe only the Happy Hotel asks for strange!

Her: Ok Stephanie, my name is Linda Brown, and I need it for the 13 of July, 2009

yeah, cause my finger might have slipped and hit the 2010 button by accident....wait. we don't HAVE one yet

Me: Are you coming in as part of a group or conference or by yourself?

see...these dates are familiar...there is a conference going on that people have been calling for

Her: By myself

Me: Are you sure? Not the USCJEGLS conference?

Her: Nope, all my myself

sing it! aaallll bye myyyyy seeelllllf....

Me: Ok. (inputs dates) That night is going for 145 plus tax...did you have AAA?

Her: Yes

Me: That drops it down to 132. Would you like to book now?

Her: Yes

Me: First name?

Her: Brown

o rly

Me: Brown is your first name?

Her:'s Linda. Brown is my LAST name.

Me: Ah



Me: And a credit card to hold the room?

Her: Credit Card?

Me: yes, to hold the room.

Her: Oh, I don't have it WITH me, it's in the car

ok. earth to linda. this must be really hard for you...a hotel that not ONLY asks you to give DATES, but also to have a CREDIT CARD handy. I'm really sorry that we can't just take your word you'll show up, but there are bad people in the world...and we have been lied to **sniff**...our trust has been fact, we're seeking counseling. no. wait. I'm more sorry you even called our hotel.

YES we will ask for a credit card, please have it handy.


seriously? I'm not going to make you feel all right about this.

Her: I guess I'll go down and get it

you do that.

(gets credit card information)

Her: Oh, and they told me to ask for the special USCJEGLS rate.

Me: growing dread You're coming for the USCJEGLS conference??!!!

Her: Yes

Me: So you're part of a group

Her: Oh, I suppose so

lady, you have just wasted 10 minutes of my time. I want to throttle you. I want to pluck out your eyes, reach through the holes and try to locate you pecan-sized brain. you will still be talking when I do this, because your entire brain and speech centers WONT be in your head, they are located somewhere else. where? i don't know or want to

Me: I wish you'd told me first. This will take a few minutes, and then I'll need ALL your information again.

Her: oohhh....


so, I'm going to make this silence as uncomfortable and drawn out as possible. I will not say anything. I will type extra loud. and i will intentionally take twice as long. then, i will put you on hold while I finish getting it "set up"


Me: Would you like me to just email it to you, or did you want the confirmation number as well now?

Her: The confirmation number now

Me: It is 539--

Her: Wait! I need to find a paper and pen!

if you know you are going to write a number down, perhaps you should have quill and parchment handy? or, if that fails, just carve the number into your arm using a penknife.

Her: ok, go

Me: 539714

Her: Thanks ....was is Stephanie?

Me: was Bethany....B as in boy.

now pause for guilt to set in.....


The scary part is, I actually has THIS phone call. This is not an amalgamation of the "five worst calls", this is one that happened. I don't know how she planned on getting here...driving requires some common sense, NONE of what she seemed to possess.


Boots and Saddles 4 Mel said...

HAHAHA. I just snorted my tea all over the place. Seriously.

Reminder - check, odwalla bars, Houdini

redgirl said...

ha..I must know, at what part did you snort your tea?

Honestly_Alive said...

Ahahaha! I was dying over this! So true of customer service

It reminds me of this conversation I had (all names/organizations falsified):

(Phone rings)

Me: Base ops, Airman Smith speaking


Him: Ummm... can you help with my travel voucher?

(Thinking: Aww... shit, not one of these... and who the hell are you anyway?)

Me: No sir, this is Base Operations

(Thinking: Does Finance sound like Base Ops?)

Him: Uhhh...

(Thinking: Ok, you got the wrong number, and I've told you this twice, you don't need to verbalize the fact that you still have no idea what you're going to do about it)

Him: Ok, thanks

Me: Yeah, no problem

(Click, me hanging up, not him)

(Thinking: Dumbass!)

G.H. said...

Oh goodness. This is brilliant. I am so glad you found me. I love your blog. Exchange links?