Thursday, January 15, 2009

Animals vs (Apt)Animals

I like animals.

Really, I do. Dogs have those watery eyes they beg with. The ducks at the arboretum look so plump and aquatic, they make you want to grab them, and the squirrels that are…practically everywhere running around looking fat and sleek and are always chomping on fat and sleek acorns. And of course cats…but that’s a touchy subject.

These animals all belong to the class of “regular animals”. These are the animals you see on the street, on the leash, in your neighbors yard, public places, and sometimes in your own living room. These animals I most heartily approve of.

There is another kind though. A much more sinister kind of animal that crosses all boundaries of bird, mammal, and other.

The apartment complex animal. (further to be designated by the letters “apt” appearing in front on its name)

The apartment animal is not kind. It is high-strung, messy, and predatory. The bird is cute and chirps, fluttering overhead. The (apt)bird perches on a shrub above one’s bicycle seat and lets loose. A cat lounges in a golden patch of sunlight allowing its beauty to be seen and appreciated by all. An (apt)cat lurks behind the stairwell. It jumps out to fumble your legs when you are on the way to the mailbox and demands a piece of your soul, if not at least a body part. And (apt)cats run in packs…very dangerous.

But I think the most dangerous of all is the (apt)dog. The (apt)dog is not necessarily the one you see doing its business on the sidewalk while its owner is “preoccupied” with a phone call and “not noticing”. The worst kind is the unseen kind, ie the kind that lives right overhead. It runs back and forth and back across the floor barking and yipping like it’s being chased by a hatchet-wielding 5-year-old, having potions of its tail chopped off every time it pauses for breath. When it is shut in the bedroom (very coincidentally the square footage right over *your* bedroom) it throws itself against the closed door approximately every 4.5 seconds while repeating the aforesaid barking pattern. Thus: BANG! (bark bark yip!yip!) THWACK! (yip! Barkbark yipyip!) WHAM! and etc.

And of course, it is not a true (apt)dog unless it only does these things when you are trying to (sincerely) study, sleep or otherwise have peace and quiet. I think we have the only one in the building. Disposal is proving to be difficult…..

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