Sunday, July 26, 2009

Lessons Learned

Attention class: today, we'll be going over some important tips to live by. I'll try to provide examples for illustration.

There might be a quiz. Haven't decided yet.

1) When planning on theft, steal something that isn't immediately obvious to the next person who comes along.

Example: If you're going to take something from a hotel room, go for the towels, not the fancy designer pillowcases, then leaving naked atypically sized pillows on the bed.

2) When at a bar, don't order "what they have" without checking what it is first

Example: I was running the bar last night and a group of men asked me if we had stout. I said no...and they pointed to a beer glass full of dark bubbly liquid saying "Well then, what's that?" I explained that is was a special order of half a glass red wine, half sprite. I wished I had just served it to them and seen their faces :P

3) Life costs money.

Example: Moving out a year or two ago looked great on paper. While it's a theoretical fact, you never truly come to realize it 'till you are faced with the gap between the date on your bill and the date on your paycheck.

4) Everyone knows that the day after you wash your car, it rains. Try instead, the day after you give your $400-year-old bike a full tuneup, some ninja comes along with a pair of bolt cutters and leaves your cable in a sad coil on the asphalt. You will discover this as you are preparing to leave for work.

5) When making a gin and tonic, the button marked "T" on the drink-squirter thing is NOT tonic water. Tonic come out with the button marked "Q".

Example: Read above.

6) Putting the words "professional" in front of any occupation will make it sound better.

Example: "I am a professional stripper" or "I am a professional trollop" sounds better than just "I'm a stripper" or "I'm a slut" leading in to our next lesson:

7) Delivery is everything.

Example: With a straight face and quick thinking, people will believe anything. Friend 1 was telling us about some really good burritos he had in SoCal, then remarked that they were cooked underground.

Friend 2: What does that have to do with anything?

Me: Well (spinning the story shamelessly), when air touches the meat, it doesn't taste as good. So when its wrapped up and cooked underground, the air doesn't get to it while it's cooking and it tastes better.

Friend 1: Really?

Me: Uh huh (starts smiling)

Friend 2: She's lying...she just made that up

Friend 1: wait......

Ok, that concludes us for the day. Don't get excited though, you have homework.

Any tips for life? Share!

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lifeshighway said...

question: what is the "t" in the drink squirter thing? I actually knew about quinine because I am a G&T drinker.

lesson1: never make eye contact with a retail clerk if you do not want help.

lesson2: never make eye contact wth a retail clerk if you really need help.

Funder said...

#3 - I have discovered that, in general, you often have the money or the time to do something fun, but very rarely both. If you've got $600 in the bank for a little vacation, you'll never get two days in a row off. If they schedule you for 30 hours one week, you'll be eating ramen cause you had to buy a new bike. :-/

#4 - you just need more locks, then you'll be safe!

Boots and Saddles 4 Mel said...

Oh no! Did someone steal your bike? You poor thing. Your computer and then your bike. Are you still OK to come to the Tevis?

Sounds like you need a vacation. Let me know if I can do anything for you.

Melinda (BTW - if you buy another bike, I will buy you the best lock I can buy on the market. I promise. There are cabels that you can get that don't cut, they only mash....)