Tuesday, July 21, 2009

A Closet...or Any Old Place

I love <--picture sarcastic eye-roll with that) the people who come in and say "Give me your cheapest room!!" I smile politely back and inform them that all our rooms are the same, but I'll see if they are eligible for any discounted prices.

As I type away, they keep at it:

"Just give me your cheapest, lowest dirtiest room. I don't care if it's IN the boiler room. My son is (blah blah blah) Just like a closet...anything really." (Begins slightly manic laughter)

Me: Well, like I said sir, our rooms are all the same. I have no proverbial closet to put you in.

Dang. He's not listening to me. Why don't people listen to me? I probably shouldn't have used a word like "proverbial"...wonder if he knows what it means. Why won't he STOP. TALKING.

Him: --so we've stayed here before and we really like it but like I said I don't care where you put us we just want to go across the street and watch Harry Potter with our son, have you read Harry Potter?

Me: Well sir, I'm able to get you in a room with a King sized bed for $XXX

Him: That'll do..and you just put us in the boiler room, we don't care-"

WHAT is this man's preoccupation with boiler rooms? Maybe an experience as a child?

Me: (insight hits me up the backside of the head) We don't have a boiler room sir, but because you appear so intent, I've found you the closest thing we've got. The room I'm giving you is off by itself next to the exercise room. So, depending on the amount of heat and perspiration people are willing to donate, I would say you're in business.

Him: Huh?

Probably shouldn't have scared him with all those words. He probably can't take a joke anyway.

Me: I *did* get your room off all by itself by the exercise room, so you get the boiler room experience without boiler room prices!

Him: Really??? Thanks so much!! Thank you...(peers at name tag) Redgirl. You have a lovely evening, you hear?

Maybe what he didn't hear was the comparison I made for him. Or maybe he just likes boiler rooms. Or maybe all that matters is how you say it...I made it sound like the best thing since moonshine.

Next anecdote from a call I received today:

Her: I made a reservation for a gentleman a while back, confirmation XXXXXX, and I need to add a night. He needs Saturday night as well.

Me: Let me check. It looks like we might not have room on Saturday....

Her: Oh no!

Me: I'll see what I can do...one sec while I tweak a few things...

Her: He really doesn't need that much space. He's rather short, so he doesn't even need a king. Maybe just find a small space that no one else can use....?

Well ma'am, you seem to be interested in our Boiler Room accommodations. Motto: You pay cash, we give crap! You'll love the cramped quarters, the close proximity to cancer-causing chemicals in the nearby laundry facility!

Me: So basically, any old patch of ground I can find?

Her: Exactly.


We both break out in laughter.

Me: Ok, I've located a closet...you're sure he's short?

Her: Oh yes

Me: You're all set then.

It's quite a mystery to imagine what the first man was thinking when he was asking about a room. Did he realize he was insulting the hotel to ask for a cramped, nasty little rat hole? Like I would just snap my fingers and say "I have the PERfect room for you! I was wondering what to do with the rooms at the end of the hall....We normally keep them for our sex slave trafficking..but you know how the economy's just hitting the tubes...can't even afford to FEED them these days. I think I have one free..."

or not.

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