Monday, August 24, 2009

A Fuller In-Basket

Email is a funny thing. A scary thing, but funny.

Email is great because if you want, you can always get mail. You can have that warm gushy feeling of "somebody loves me. Loves ME!" every time you log in, if you want. A few useful tips are:

1. Every site you visit, look for somewhere to enter your email address. There's usually a spot.

2. Sign up for facebook and make sure to turn the "email notification" on for everything. If you have even 10 friends (albeit fb junkies) you'll recieve mail every 10 minutes or so.

3. Open an account with Amazon, World Market, or AllPosters. I can guarentee you 3 emails a day if you do this, sometimes more!

4. Post it on CraigsList as a place to go for free sex. I haven't done this one myself, but I can imagine it would bring the desired result. Hmm..that actually might be a fun experiment. Tune in later for results >:D

But see, even if you never give your email out to anyone, you can still get emails. I know this because I have gotten 2 this week.

Subject line: Thelma has sent you an ecard!

Um. I don't know anyone named Thelma. Is this spam or something? Don't recognize her address...

So I go the the happy ecard site, Where I am greeted by flashing wiggling letters vertically spelling out "Bernie!!!!!" with his various shining attributes spelled out horizontally with the letters of his name. (He is bright, remarkable, outstanding, terrific, helpful, exceptional and reliable!! I need to find this man and marry him, apparently) At the bottom, I received a personal message, copied and pasted here for your reading pleasure:

Hi Bern

Hope your day is filled with everything special to you.
I know getting a card on time from me will be at the top


PS the checks in the mail


Okay. Time to parse this baby.

If "Bern" is his nickname, wouldn't it be cuter to spell it "Burn"? Like Burn Gorman? Yes, I thought so too.

And after this lovely ecard, what else could he possibly need on his special day? Well, apparently, a list. Bern keeps one, at the top of which is written "receive card from Thelma...ON TIME". Or is that her list? I'm confused.

Thelma signs with love, good, good. But oh! A check's in the mail! Why couldn't I have gotten in on THAT part of the misdirection? It sounds exciting. Then, to remind us WHO the bestest best timly card and money giving sister she is, she signs it again. Thanks Thelma.

Today I got another email that I believe was missent. It is a pricing and vocab clarification memo for a lodge community.

The strange thing is, I don't have a normal last name, like "Brown" or "Doe". It's rather unusual. In fact, when I do an Internet search on first AND last, I am supposedly the only one out there. My email account is the first letter of my first name, and my last name entire. Some one evidently put 2 and 5 together and got 0. That is, zero emails to the intended target/victim/recipient.

I'm really excited to see what else I'll get. That's right, I'm not saying a word.

I'm sorry Bernie didn't get his ecard though. His birthday was probably ruined. And he sounds like such a great guy.

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