Saturday, August 8, 2009


Today's post is brought to you courtesy of J.R., who has "encouraged" me to update, and update soon. Also from a certain sister who swore my last post sounded like I was going to go and hang myself in a tiny dark room.

I agonized over the title to this post.

Contenders were the following:

"It's Not My Fault You Don't Know How to Read a Map"

"I Know Everything, Try Me"

"Fig Jam" (translation for this phrase to be found later in post)

"U Draw Gud"

"Foreign Folk"

"Gimme, Lazy Office Worker"

Maybe these shall be chapters!!! (yay) So, without further ado....

Chapter 1: U Draw Gud

I was bar tending one particular night, the night following the request of "stout" by certain unsuspecting parties. I had poured a total of 10 drinks in 2 hours...a man had 2 Fat Tyres, his wife 2 Merlots and 1 water, another Man 2 Fat Tyres, his son, 2 Cokes, and a random guy, a Coke. Total tips? <>Him: You draw really good
Me: uh...thanks....

Him: How old are you?

Me: Guess

Him: 20!

Me: Hint, you have to be 21 to serve alcohol

(blah blah...he turned out to be 12. TWELVE. geeze...)

His dad gets a call, son clamors to talk to person before father hangs up.

Him: Frankie....wuts UUUUPPP!" (like...stage version. little poser. )

He proceeds to talk about hunting and deer tags. Dad comments to me "Maybe I should just leave him with you"

Me: I could easily file that under "Valet Charges" and post it to your room.

Dad drags reluctant son from bar.

Chapter 2: Foreign Folk

The Inn has a new foreign contingent! Please make welcome....Teeeeaaamm....Egypt!!

It's not all pyramids and fun though, folks. On becoming aware of the new contenders for creepy, I asked my male co-worker if I needed to be on my guard. He replied "not at all...they are very nice and won't bother you at all." I only mention he was male because it either seems that females always get the short end of the foreign stick, or that his Creep-O-meter was really low on batteries. (Stay tuned for the post entitled: Creep-O-Meters: how to know when YOU need to upgrade!!) Current fixation? Wanting to use the computer we have to chat with family members over in Egypt.

This wouldn't be TOO dreadful, except that, as non-English (very much) speakers, I am thinking our keyboard baffles them. This is the only way I can account for the 5 WPM speed with which they seem to type. Which is sad for those who are trying to print boarding passes :(

Forget people needing the's just sad all around. Even more saddening? Accuracy is prob at around 3.5 WPM. Updates to come, I guarantee.

Chapter 3: Fig Jam

Oooookay. Those with strong frailness of ears, skip to the next chapter. This phrase given lovingly to me by some extremely lovely Aussies that stayed for one of those 750 mile bike rides (completed in 90 hours). Yup, crazy to the extend of my dear sister, mentioned in the prologue. Anyway. They were describing a certain member of the riding collective, and said (cue accent!) "He's quite Fig Jam".

Me, as usual, wanting to know everything asks "What's Fig Jam?"


F*** I'm Good Just Ask Me.



One of those things that sticks in your mind...a delightful little insult, though rarely used.

Chapter 4: It's Not My Fault You Don't Know How to Read a Map

As described. Seriously. If I say "turn left at F street" and then you turn right, don't proceed to blame it on me.

Chapter 5: I Know Everything, Try Me

It's surprising the amount of things that a hotel desk clerk is "supposed" to know. Some things perhaps I should. Some things, I can look up. But other things? Really?

See if you can label some of the following:
1) Where is a good place to eat around here?
2) Do you know if "Discoveries" is still an open business in town?

3) Is a trip to Tahoe or Yosemite more worth while?

4) What's there to do/a good place to eat in Sacramento? (hint: hotel is NOT in Sacramento, not even in one of the outlying areas)

5) Where do the girls go?

6) How early should I get to the airport?

7) How crowded will the airport be at 5:30 tomorrow morning?

8) How long will it take to get through customs? (the airport in question is not really local...don't know why I should know...)

9) What classes should my daughter take at (local university)?

10) What apartments are good in town for my son?

11) Any good bars around here? (see Tips From RedGirl on this subject)

12) Where can I find a furniture store?

Chapter 6: Gimme, Lazy Office Worker

I volunteer at a homeless shelter. When people want to make appointment to pick up food at the food closet, they have to call same-day for an apt. For some reason, I was just jotting down all the calls that came in one particular day. I probably made seven of these, on the paper pad, just noting down the name, what they had called for, and if they had gotten an apt and what time. Also present were various doodles of food items. (potatoes, live chickens, pears, etc) Almost before then end of my shift, I get a call from someone at the closet. Someone had misplaced their list, so they needed the info again. Usually, the apts are scattered in the files under the name of the a series of over 40 binders. Once we make the apts, we don't keep track. There's no reason we should have to. In a demanding tone...tell us, Jeanie!

Jeanie: I need all the food appointments you made today.

Me: ALL of them?

Jeanie: Yes, all of them. Did you make one for 1:30?

Me: Yes, for John Smith

Jeanie: How many people?

Me: Let me pull the file. (2 adults, 2 children)

Jeanie: Next?

Me: One at 1:45

Jeanie: What??!! Who made that? That's awfully close together!!

Me: Well, that was the time we were given (eg, not my fault lady)

Jeanie: And for 2pm??

Me: We didn't make one for 2pm

Jeanie: Well SOMEone did!!

Me: possible another agency...? My next one is at 2:45...

Jeanie: Who was it! How many people?!

Me: One moment (goes to pull file)

Jeanie: (yells) I NEED this inforMAtion!

Me: Ma'am, I am currently retrieving the information (recall my automatic habit of using words with more syllables when confronted to give myself more time to think)

I understand. She was stressed because one of her people made a mistake.

But fie!

I will not take that sitting down!

Next time I shall stand up when I talk to her. And then we shall see the difference!

Hmmm...Talk about a long random post. Just b/c something has chapters doesn't mean the plot makes sense. That's for all the novelists out there :P


Jenna Lynn said...

Hooray hooray hooray! You made Jenna very happy :) How nice to read while my episode of "Mental" was buffering on Hulu...ooh now THAT'S appropriate ;)

redgirl said...

Making Jenna happy? Check!
KEEPing Jenna happy? Hmmm...

lifeshighway said...

Today I will find a reason to call someone a fig jam. Also for good measure I will say "fie" which makes me think of the musical Camelot.

Darn now that Fie song is stuck in my head.