Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Packaging for Complete Idiots

Good morning class! How are you all today? Don't answer that...we both know I don't care as long as you pay me my hourly teaching fee.

We'll take a break from learning to cook microwave pasta and rose flavored frog legs to discuss how you'll package your miracle meal when you finally make it into the big time: Frozen Dinners.

There are two ways to do packaging for weight loss meals. One way is to tell people that it's "light" or "lean." If you're going with this option, you're a sissy. All you do is slap a light blue or green back ground on it which implies that it's not only light and lean, it's green. And you make the food look attractive. Any photographer with a Polaroid camera can make your grandma's fish patties look tasty--with the right garnish.

I'm here to teach you the insidious, sneaky option.

You want them to take one look at that box and decide not to finish their plate. The challenge is to get them to buy it in the first place. Get out your pens and pencils; it's time to take notes. I direct your attention to the overhead:

Notice the dark red of the packaging, eliciting the association of blood. You want this, especially with chicken, which is not a red meat. And by all means, use parts of the human body in food descriptors! The marketer in this case has gone with the conventional "fingers," but you can probably do better than that. Homework part A is 3 food/body part submissions. That means you, Jack, so stop looking sullen.

The second food should always have a goopy look. The designer has been bold with this element; he threw in some indistinguishable noodle type substances that end up looking like a pig's small intestines smothered in melted margarine. That's a good tip, class! If you're calling it mac 'n cheese (or whatever the heck they called it), make sure you don't add any cheese. It's made out of COW FAT.

And finally, you must include a dessert. This is a requirement. If it's in the brownie family, the best way to make it look inedible (unless you're going with the "cracked, dry" approach, which is another lesson), add a shine to it. This just makes it look heavy and icky. Throw that pic on there like the black hole of the dish it actually is, and trademark that baby!

Next week, we learn the 10 important reasons to use alcohol in cooking.

**This box was sitting unattended on the table at school. Wildebeast and I discussed it thoroughly, especially the apparent in-edibility of the brownie. When I picked it up, sure enough! The brownie had one bit gone, but that was it lol


lifeshighway said...

I did not EVEN know it was a brownie until you told me what it was.

But I did recognized the pig gut, in the south we call them chitlings.

You chickens have pretty big fingers now that I look at them.

redgirl said...

That's because it is the black hole of the meal. Your eyes are drawn to it, but you can't look at it long enough to identify it, or you'll go mad. I barely escaped with *my* sanity, and even THAT'S debatable...

lifeshighway said...

I thought it looked quite a bit alike a hockey puck. It might have been a prize like in Cracker Jacks.

redgirl said...

I thought the prize was something you wanted?